I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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