You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
