How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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