I am spending my child support on dildos
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
