I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
