you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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