I looked at my own cervix.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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