The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
