FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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