I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
