non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
