he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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