I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I CAN MOONWALK!
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
