I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
the condom got lost in my hair
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
