I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
