why didn't you poke me back
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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