She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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