so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
