I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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