I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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