You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
