I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
