my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
