Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
