im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
