Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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