I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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