true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
