My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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