If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
