Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
