I think my fart just growled at me.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
