you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Your dad touched me again.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
