I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
im holly from the hills drunk
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
