You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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