She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
