In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
