Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
