I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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