There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
