Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
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I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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