i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
