Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You were trust falling into bushes
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
