I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
