Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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