Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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