my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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