You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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