He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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