Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
