So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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