I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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