I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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