I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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