grandma shit on top of the toilet
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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