I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Randomize
