You're earring is so big in my mouth
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
