My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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