Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
